Wednesday, 1 July 2015

You need to kiss a whole lot of frogs....

It would be wonderful if we were born, grew up in the perfect home with perfect parents, amazing friends, brilliant schooling and then landed the perfect job.  Met the perfect partner, had perfect children and so on and so forth.  However, for the most of us we have to "Kiss a whole lot of frogs" and by that I mean we have to experience things which are sometimes painful, unpleasant and hurtful.
We have to go from one relationship to another, one job to another before we find out who we really are, what we are really made of and what pathway we should take in order for our physical, mental and spiritual well being to be aligned.

I am certainly in the category of needing to have kissed a whole lot of frogs!


In fact this started from childhood.  It is rare for me to share my story... not because I am ashamed, because I have any unfinished emotion that I need to get through... it is just simply because it is boring.

It is boring because it is not uplifting, it is not positive, it is not a rose filled garden with wonderful scents and wildlife, instead is a weed and thorn ridden garden with entrapment and scary creatures.

However, it is my story and now at the ripe age of 38 I realise that actually for many it is uplifting, it is inspirational, it is empowering.  Not because of what I went through but because even as a child I flatly refused to believe that it was right, I was not going to let it define me.  Because I had an inner knowing that what I was experiencing was not how life was meant to be.

It is hard to think back now to when I knew things were not right but let's just say I had an inner sense of right and wrong from pretty much the very start and it was strong... really strong as if there was no other option it was just either right and acceptable or wrong and unacceptable.  And my Mum was wrong!  I genuinely remember looking at her when I was 5 years old and thinking "you are wrong, that is not how you treat people".  It was at that very moment I decided I would be the opposite of her... at 5!  Yes a mere 5 years old, how did I know?  I really could not tell you apart from I just knew inside.

Curiosity Killed the cat or in the this case should have killed the child within...

I was a curious child, I was fascinated by everything, I wanted to know how it worked why it worked.
Apparently this was not conducive to what my Mum thought a child should be... No, I should be like my sister, I should sit where I was and stay there without saying a word until I was told otherwise but ummm no, I was just not wired that way.

It landed me in a lot of trouble, EVERYDAY!  I was either locked in my bedroom mainly without food or drink, or I was shut outside the back door, I was once locked in the attic and on one occasion I remember being chained to the bed.  I think it was safe to say my Mum really did not like me.  That should have been enough for any young child to be beaten into submission.... Just not me.

Because I KNEW, I knew wholeheartedly that I was not wrong, my questions were nothing so obscene to have caused such a reaction, my wanting to know and understand life should not have been so frustrating to have caused this response. And I knew that... again I cannot explain how I just knew with every single cell of my body and whilst I knew that and felt that I would not be beaten.

Of course I spent many hours crying, I soon learnt that actually this did nothing but give me a headache.  I also learnt that an apology was not really all that helpful either as I either said it wrong, or looked wrong when saying it or basically I was just not believed and probably rightly so as I knew I had done nothing wrong!  I have one of those faces that just says exactly what I am thinking as if it is written in permanent ink in capital letters.

This section of my life is long... very long and the remainder shall be shared on another occasion but there was a lot of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. So on life experiences from a young age I again metaphorically "Kissed a lot of Frogs".

As I grew up I also had what I shall call unhealthy relationships, not that I realised at the time but I was with people that did not respect and treat me properly but hey this could also be because as I grew up I started to then believe that everyone else was important but I wasn't!

I married, had a baby, got divorced all in the space of just over 3 years.  I was on my own with a 5 month old baby who was the most beautiful precious thing in the world but I had failed her (in my eyes anyway) I had never wanted to have a broken family as I knew what that was like after all my Mum was divorced twice and married three times.  I did not want to be anything like her, yet here I was with a young child, divorced and penniless.

Now during this period of my life I was by no means well off, oh no, I struggled to pay bills, have enough money for food, in fact there was many a time where I did not eat just so I knew Kiesha had enough to eat and yet if I did not have enough money to cover my bills - something would happen so they always (just) got paid!

The Beginning of the Up... Well Sort of...

My life began a turn around when I met Nick, Kiesha by this time was nearly 2 years old and Nick and I were together for 10.5 years.  He was my soulmate, the person I loved unconditionally, yet I would still feel inadequate on the work front.  He was a pilot and was paying for Kiesha and myself and although he was more than happy I always felt guilty as if I needed to contribute to prove my worth.  Every time I did this, it cost us money in the long run, in fact any time and every time I have done this it has cost money in the long term - this is one frog I kept kissing and kissing thinking it would turn into a prince and yet it was always going to be just a common frog!

Now of course with hindsight and of course Divine sight I can clearly see why this was always doomed to fail, firstly I was still coming from a negative and just attracting more of the negative and secondly it was always moving me further and further away from what I was meant to be doing.

So, I have kissed many frogs, covering work, relationships, inner peace and more... but if I had not Kissed that many frogs, if I had not been through those experiences I would not be who I am today.  I would not be on this path.  I would have less empathy, understanding, insight, knowledge of the Human Psychological mind and it's depths to do the most amazing and wonderful things and on the contrast the most horrid and wicked things.

I would not change a thing...

People have always looked at me blankly when I have said I would not change any of the experiences I have had.  They have helped me to get to a greater understanding, a deep awareness of others and myself.  Every single experience has been played out before me to learn from, to find the light in so I can help others to find the light in the darkness and my friends it is there, it is shining brightly for you.  If you cannot see it yet then find the path that leads you to it.

Please do let me know of your experiences of inner knowing.  You can connect with me by leaving a comment or connecting with me through my facebook page

Love Life and Laughter

Traci x


  1. Amazing story from an amazing lady. What struck me was the fact that you rose above your experiences and your outlook on life is incredible. I know where you are coming from as I too had a mom who - think you are right by saying "didnt like me" - and while I have tried to rise above it, I find the past is always in the back of my mind somehow. But it did not get me down or sour on life, although I have become introverted a bit. But I keep trying with a little help from hubby (of 40 years). And being blessed with 5 children and 9 cup runneth over.

    1. Aww Agnes I am so proud of you and what a blessing you have in your Husband, Children and granchildren. It can sometimes be hard to know that we need to forgive and let go sonthatvour past does not effect our future but more importantly is loving yourself and knowing that the issues before where another's issues and not ones that you need to take on. Release them with acceptance, love and light. I wish you all the love, happiness and blessings for the rest of your life - Traci x


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